So, I deleted everything on my Tumblr. In reality that changes absolutely nothing but it contributes to the symbolic cleansing of my life, which is long overdue.
During the last few days, I’ve become more aware of just how little control I have over my life. I feel as though I’m dealing with this never-ending existential crisis and I’ve just been trying to combat it by pushing it to the back of my mind. I pretend it’s not there and then get these surges of depression and anxiety where I don’t really know what to do.
I feel as though I have no purpose, as though I’m not accomplishing anything and I barely even have any motivation to get up in the morning. I feel like those kids in high school that “had a lot of potential” but ended up dropping out anyways.
I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel as though I’m stuck. But, I don’t want to be. I need some more structure in my life. I have so much time off that I should be using it to figure myself out.
And that’s what I’ll be doing from here on out. I can’t continue to be depressed and sulk in my own self-loathing. I need to be productive. I need to actually work towards the things I want in life and I need to become a lot more independent in regards to finding happiness and fulfillment in life.
I don’t want to go into too much detail about just how detrimental my actions have become because I want to just put them behind me and have a new, fresh start. I want to make goals and remember what it’s like to actually accomplish them. I want to make to-do lists and not lose track of time when I’m just mindlessly doing nothing of importance.
I want to have a day where I do nothing because I feel as though it’s been long enough— not just because I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to be the person I can be and not become overwhelmed with anxiety or pressure.
I want to be realistic about my goals and understand that things take time. I want to work towards seeing a gradual change in myself, my work and my life.
So, here’s to a new beginning where I learn to love myself, care for my mind, body and soul and accomplish the many things that I’m meant to.>>
tagged as: personal. revelation.